Seasons

I have never before appreciated the concept of life seasons more than I do right now.

Having just completed all my first year Nursing exams, I have found myself at a complete and utter loss. After eight months of craziness, I can finally breathe. I've realized how many of my friends I've neglected, being all-consumed and completely focused on my schooling. I've realized how messy I've gotten, how many things got pushed to the wayside in order for me to succeed in school. Now what?! I'm at a loss! I'm currently in a season of transition. If one could objectively look at the state of my heart and emotions, I'm sure they would call me crazy. It seems like just a few weeks ago I walked into my first Orientation class at school, knowing nobody and not knowing what to expect. It seemed like yesterday I went to my first clinical, nervous excitement making me jittery. I still have the program from my grandmother's funeral last month up on the wall. The other day a few close friends went out to celebrate after our last exam and my heart was struck with how grateful I am for them.

Now. Time to rest up! Time to find a job! Time to take a break! Time to enjoy summer! Time to reconnect! Time to read books for the sake of reading books! Time to pour into my relationships! Time to dream with Abba about what the future will hold! Time to finally decompress after a long, stressful year. Time to be with family! Time to enjoy outside! Time to enjoy quality time with loved ones. Time to take care of my heart. Time to go for a run! Time to spend more time with my beautiful Saviour. 

Time to breathe. 

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-11

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, 

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

 What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race.  

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

One Thing Remains.

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains 

Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me 

On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never, ever, have to be afraid
One thing remains

In death, In life, I’m confident and
covered by the power of Your great love
My debt is paid, there’s nothing that can
separate my heart from Your great love...

This song has been running through my head and heart all day. In light of the recent passing away of my grandma, this song reminds me that God's love never leaves me. His love is 'stronger than the power of the grave' which is why I can rejoice in my grandmother's passing... because she is now FREE! She is not suffering. God loves our poor, broken humanity so much to welcome us home to heaven when we leave this earth.

Thanks Jesus for bringing me peace today in the revelation of your love.

On My Knees Again.

Well. It's been so long since I have blogged.

My semester has been insanely busy, and here it is March already. In about five weeks I will be done my first year of nursing! Right now I should be working on a resident profile, cramming for a quiz, and doing other productive things... not happening.

I entitled this post "On My Knees Again" because that is where I am finding myself right now. Now, the point of this post is not to complain about my life, but rather to acknowledge how desperately I need Jesus. I don't know how else to say it... I am so tired. Nursing school has been the best, but most challenging endeavour. Early (and I mean clinical starts at 6:30am so I wake up at 5:00 early) mornings, long nights, too much homework, not enough time. I failed my Pathophysiology midterm this week, but I don't feel that bad about that one because the class average was 52% and I got 49%.

Also, my grandmother passed away yesterday. I am still processing. Lots of tears shed, however I know she is with Jesus now, staring Him straight in the eyes. I know she no longer suffers, I know she has no pain, but it's still sad. I am sad for all the family members who never got to say goodbye. I am comforted by Philippians 1:21: To live is Christ, and to die is gain. I know my Grandma has gained so much and I know she is Home. I know she is free. This brings me great comfort. My heart still aches, but I know she is free.

Honestly, I know I do not have the strength to finish this semester strong without my Love, my Redemption, my Saviour.  Current desire is to curl up in a ball and sleep for a week straight. Now you may be thinking, "Sarah, that's called burnout." And guess what, you may be right. I'm tired! However I'm also stubborn. I've got a Saviour who gives strength to the weak, who gives hope to the hopeless. My sister blessed me today with some very comforting verses from Isaiah 40: 28-31:

Do you not know?

    Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

    the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

    and his understanding no one can fathom.

²⁹ 

He gives strength to the weary

    and increases the power of the weak.

³⁰ 

Even youths grow tired and weary,

    and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ 

but those who hope in the Lord

    will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

    they will run and not grow weary,

    they will walk and not be faint.

WHAT AN ENCOURAGEMENT. When reading these verses, God showed me a picture. It was of me, on my knees before Jesus. Instead of leaving me with eyes downcast, Jesus came and lifted my chin and told me "Keep going, child. Do it for me. Do it for your grandma. I will sustain you."

So. With fresh energy I will finish strong. I will keep running to receive the prize. I will swallow my dislike of mornings, and go to my Long Term Care rotation determined to make my resident's day. Because who knows, they may pass away any day as well. If I am going there with no energy to care for them, they may pass away without knowing they are loved. I never got to say goodbye to my grandma, but maybe I will be able to make someone else's last days memorable and full of love. 

09MAR13. Grandma I'll miss you. Hope you and Jesus are having a grand time being together. Through my tears I celebrate your freedom. 

2013

All of a sudden, it's 2013. The world didn't end, again, and here you are reading my humble little blog, enjoying the first day of this new blessed year.

So. I'm feeling particularly sentimental today. Always seems to happen in the new year, as the reality of another year passed catches up with me.

I started out 2012 in the Dominican Republic, on my DTS outreach. YWAM Ensenada, Denver, and San Pedro celebrated together and praised the Lord for a new year. On January 1, we had the day off from usual ministries, and many people headed for the beach. It poured rain, I recall. It was like having a shower in +35 degree weather.

January 13 of 2012 I lost a friend. Yesterday I re-certified my first aid; and was struck with the memory of performing CPR with Cory, desperately trying to save Federico. I remember the doctor coming and shoving us out of the way. "Él murió! Él es muerte!" he yelled at us. Yesterday those memories resurfaced, as clear as if it were yesterday. I remember his family coming to the base, wailing and crying out to Jesus. I sat off to the side, still bikini-clad from the beach earlier, Federico's vomit still on my shorts. Stunned. While I am sad at these recollections, I praise the Lord for Federico's beautiful life. The impact he had on his community, teaching music lessons and showing everyone the love and the joy of the Lord. His death has fueled me to show people Jesus in the same way that he did.

February 2012 I graduated from my DTS, and spent a lovely week showing my best friend Michelle the city of Ensenada. A place I have grown to love dearly and miss nearly every day. God blessed that time so richly. At the end of February both of us returned to Canada, Michelle to return to school and me having no idea what tomorrow would bring. God was completely faithful though, and I quickly found a job, with the plans to return to school in September, although not at Kings; I got accepted into the Faculty of Nursing at the University of Alberta.

In July I took a trip to Washington to visit my dear DTS sister Jessie. We had such a blast :) Way too much fun was had that week, including a trip into Seattle to see McKenna, Pike Place Market and of course the first Starbucks. Jessie is such a refreshment to my soul, her faith is ridiculous and her perspective on life is so joy-filled!

September was the start of a new era, nursing school. It's been challenging and stressful, but at the same time SO perfect. What a dichotomy. I know I am exactly where God wants me to be! Despite the nights of 4 hours of sleep, despite nearly failing a final exam (first time I've ever said that!) God is SO RIDICULOUSLY GOOD.

In November, I started dating Jeremiah. If you haven't met him, let me know and we'll visit :) Yep. God is so good to me, I am so deeply blessed, and so looking forward to this new year. God has revealed so much of His heart for me in the last year and particularly in the last two months. I cannot wait what this year holds, where God will lead me, and how I can show Him off to everyone I know.

So. Blessings to you, dear reader, in this new year. Seek God first, make new discoveries about Him, allow Him to lead you and it will be a year to remember.

Silence.

Listen.

Why is this concept so unnerving? What is it about quiet that makes so many people uncomfortable? Our lives are constantly bombarded by noise. Everywhere. All the time. If not auditory noise, we are bombarded with advertisements, people, schedules, deadlines. Every two seconds you hear someone's smart phone going off; a reminder for something. New text. New email.

Maybe that's why I enjoy evening so much. It's quiet. Old, familiar tunes don't overpower the quiet right now but rather enhance it. An overly large mug of tea warms my chilled fingers. Psalms 46:10 says,

"Be Still and know that I am God."
Be Still and know that I am.
Be still and know.
Be still. 
Be.

What this speaks to me is that the very essence of our being should just simply be; understanding that Abba is our Father. That amidst the chaos of our lives God is still God. He will never change, He will never give up on us, He will never stop loving us. I believe God longs for each one of us to know this. Despite 3 a.m. bedtimes due to late night cramming, despite our ridiculously crazy lives, despite things happening that are beyond our control, Abba is still our Father and He loves us.

This deep understanding, I relate to silence.
Silence is always there. So is God. Silence never changes. Neither does Abba. Sometimes you just need to close the textbook, put away the computer/iPod/phone and wait, to finally hear the silence again. The same is true with our Father. Sometimes you have to deliberately stop being so busy and wait for Him. He longs to communicate with us, he speaks to us often but we just don't listen.

It's easy to let worry obscure this silence. How many times have I been too stressed to even acknowledge what Abba was speaking to my heart? I used to think in times of stress that my Daddy wasn't speaking to me. How wrong I was. He speaks to us constantly. Philippians 4: 6-7 says, "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, in prayer and supplication, let your requests be known to God. And the peace of Christ, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Do not be anxious. Be still. Be. And God's peace will blow you away through His Spirit.

Being still can be hard. It can feel so uncomfortable at first. John 15:7 says, "If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you want of me and it will be done for you." Abiding doesn't mean finding Christ for a couple minutes here, an hour or two on Sunday. It means constantly. It means seeking out that silence deliberately. Because guess what. The verses preceding this one say "I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned." Don't know about you, but I feel that's pretty harsh. If you don't abide in Christ, you'll wither up and die, and get thrown into a fire. You won't be thriving. You'll be useless and dead, just like a dried up vine.

So. The next time you get overwhelmed with school, the next time painful memories threaten to overtake you, the next time you feel like you just can't handle it all, be still and know. And let Abba take you from there.  I won't promise it'll make all the above issues go away, but I do promise if you go in with Abba by your side and the full knowledge of Him resting in your heart, you'll get through. Let God lead you.

Wake up, all you sleepers. Stand up, all you dreamers.

Africa interview was this morning. Technically, African interiews. Six of them. I feel like they all went really well. And now the waiting game begins again. In about a week I will find out if I made it to the next level of interviews. Ah.

As I write this, I'm tucked away in a corner at the U of A. I have been practically living on campus this weekend, studying for my NURS 190 final. Cursed six-week class finals have snuck up on me and have taken away the last shroud of sanity within my being. It's 6:00 pm, I've been here since 10:00 am, save for the lunch break I had with my dear friend Kiri. She is a fellow nurse friend, and also interviewed for Africa this morning. I am thoroughly blessed by her! Hopefully, we'll be conquering Tanzania together come the beginning of May.

God revealed a piece of His heart to me today. I was just thinking about the capacity of the human mind. We love to be in control. We love to have parameters around our lives. We love to get comfortable, and say "this is what my life will be like, and I'll figure it out. Sweet." However when we do this, we limit where God could take us and what His dreams are for our lives. We just have our little perspective and that's it. However when we dream with Abba, I'm sure He has to laugh at the parameters we place on our lives, because they are so small. When we align our hearts with our Fathers, it changes everything. We stop dreaming our dreams and start dreaming His. We stop chasing our interests and start pursuing His. We stop worrying about our expectations (for me, that means I stop worrying about school and what I expect of myself) and start understanding the bigger picture Abba has painted for us. He's painted a masterpiece for each of our lives, yet oftentimes we are too busy/stressed/worried/tired/apathetic/burned out to notice the colours. We get too caught up in that black smudge right in front of us to notice that it is one small piece of a much bigger picture.  HOW CRAZY IS THAT!! 

Dreaming of Africa.

I made a deal with God. I told him my summer was His, and all He had to do was show me. That being said, I think I'm going to Africa! Tanzania, to be exact.

There was a "Go Abroad" Fair at the U of A the other day, and I had a few hours to kill before classes. I went and took a look around, but nothing really caught my eye so I turned around. As I had my hand on the door handle to head out, God told me to turn around. I was confused, because I thought I had seen everything to see. I was wrong! I ended up turning down a hallway and talking to the people at the Student's International Health Organization (SIHA) table for a good half and hour, asking questions about the Tanzania trip. The day after, I had an informal get together with the leader of the trip to ask more questions and get more information. Today, I printed out the official application and am just about done it.

So if it pans out, if God wants me in Tanzania, I'll be going May 1 - July 12, to make it back just in time for one of my dearest friend's wedding! The focus of the trip is public health. The way it got explained to me was this: "So basically you get dropped off in the middle of f--king nowhere, assess the greatest health need in each village, and you fill it. No structure at all" Sweet.

One of the girls in my seminar/lab groups in nursing is super interested in coming as well! We've gotten  to be good friends, and spending a summer with her would be SUCH A BLAST! If this trip pans out, it will look so very different from any other trip I have been on. All my traveling has been with a group of Christians. This one will not be so. Group dynamics will be so different. No times of worship with my team. No corporate prayer. But, as I was reflecting on this earlier, I got to thinking that much of life is that way. I was so blessed by my YWAM family, especially my outreach family. However, in life you don't always have that YWAM family at your disposal. There will not always be people willing to pray with you on a rough day. This may be the greatest 10 week challenge of my faith I'll ever see.

Prayers for God's guidance, and clarity on whether to do this trip or not appreciated :)
Also, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!