Wanderlust.

Hmmm.

It's been a Bon-Iver, stay-home-in-sweats, watch-the-leaves-change, chai-tea-and-stroopwaffels kind of day. I'm fighting off sickness and haven't really moved too far today.

Today is the one year anniversary of the start of my Discipleship Training School in Ensenada, Mexico. Last night I was just overwhelmed with gratefulness and had an amazing worship session, just me and Jesus. I was just floored by how much has changed in a year, how tangibly Jesus changed my life. 

A year ago I was angry, I was vulnerable, I was hurting. I flew to Mexico with all the pieces of my shattered past clutched tightly in my fists. So tightly I had scars. The first thing my Jesus did was help me unfurl those fists. He gently pried my fingers open, ever so carefully pulled out the shards stuck in my hands. He showed me to lay my burdens at His feet. He lifted my downcast face to meet His eyes. I stared my Jesus right in the eyes, maybe truly for the first time in my life. I met him. I experienced him. Through the help of my staff and my fellow DTS students, I was able to truly experience the love and adoration my Jesus has had for me, my whole life.

In the dirty, shadowed streets of Bajio (red light district in Ensenada), I experienced Abba's love without condition. He loves every prostitute in that area. He loves every dealer trying to catch your eye. He loves every man who has laid a punch on his wife. He loves every dirty, homeless person passed out on the sidewalk. His love is never defined by our circumstances or our choices. His heart breaks for every horrible situation, knowing some of his kids are so chemically altered they don't know daytime from nighttime, BUT his love never stops. It doesn't change the moment the needle hits skin, it doesn't change ever. That was hard for me to grasp at times. Seeing men walk out of brothels. I got angry. I hated them for what they did. Seeing prostitutes waiting outside the "hotels," trying to hold their head up high. My heart shattered for them. 

Living in the ghetto streets of the Dominican Republic, the sound of gunshots a regular occurrence, I experienced the love of Jesus through heartbreak. I remember one day we were playing with a bunch of street kids in Bienvenidos. Lots of them have parents, but they are either drug addicts, alcoholics, chronically absent in these kid's lives, or abusive. I remember sitting off to the side with a little boy curled up in my lap, and suddenly my views of these kids changed. Jesus said to me "how you feel right now is how I feel about these kids" and I was so overwhelmed with heartbreak. My chest hurt. I couldn't breathe. In that moment Jesus showed me that being passive about the injustices in the world is just not an option. We need to be praying for issues around the world, not just tucking ourselves away in our own little corner of the world and sticking our head in the sand. As North Americans we are so ridiculously blessed, we don't even know it. God opened my eyes to that in the Dominican Republic. Injustice happens EVERYWHERE and ignoring it is like... ignoring the heart of God. In Edmonton alone, there is homelessness, trafficking, drug abuse, homelessness. How can that be ignored? 

Anyways. I have posed a challenge for myself. For the next five months, my challenge is to read over my notes from my DTS day by day. I never want to forget what I have learned. As I go through my old journals, I'll be sure to post some words of wisdom here on my blog. 

I entitled this post "wanderlust" because I just want to travel! Well that sounds selfish. I made a deal with God that I will go where he sends me next summer. Whether that means staying here in Edmonton and getting involved with a ministry here, or hopping on a plane... My summer is God's. And I am so excited to dream about where that may be, and what that might involve. 

So that's all :)

If you get bored... do this.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/4Dv5gl/:utejpJwA:WIo27cam/www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJ9yn8vLdig/

Sarah Stad: Faculty of Nursing Undergraduate Studies.

Well, it's official.

I'm a nursing student! After completing my first full week of Nursing at the University of Alberta, I am already displaying classic symptoms of any undergrad nurse. Dark circles under eyes. Re-aquaintance with coffee, namely every single Starbucks, Second Cup or Tim Hortons between ECHA and CCIS, my buildings. Back pain from toting around 20 pounds of nursing textbooks.

That being said.... I. LOVE. IT. I am completely embracing being thrown out of my comfort zone. My logic is.. I'm a YWAMer. ...What is a comfort zone again? YWAM sent me so far removed from anything I could possibly call comfort. So, a new university is a piece of cake in comparison. At the U of A there are maps. On NIKO (Mexican wilderness week) we got sent out with horribly vague directions and stumbled around the Mexican mountains, in the dark. U of A? Piece of cake. Compared to where I have been, the experiences I have lived, nursing school does not strike fear in my heart.

Sure it's hard to stay awake in an 8 am lecture, after awakening at 6 in the morning. However, I think perspectives change everything. Today I caught myself whining about 8 am lectures (if you know me, you know I hate mornings...) however I was struck with a revelation. I have NO RIGHT to complain about 8 am lectures. I have 1) the resources to attend university in the first place. 2) Learning facilities that are brand flippin new. If you've seen the Edmonton Clinic Health Academy, it's gorgeous. Absolutely beautiful. 3) An excellent faculty and 4) The opportunity learn skills millions of people will neither be able to learn themselves, or see in practice.

So that's that. Life is a whirlwind, studying nursing and going to Prison Ministry are going to consume my life for the next four years, and God continues to blow my mind.

Warriors, ICU's and Letters from Prison

This afternoon I spent a couple hours visiting my neighbors from Lacombe in the Stollery Children's Hospital ICU. 

Their son Ryan has been sick his whole life, and close to death many times in his 18 years. Every time he's been really sick I have been meaning to go visit them; today I finally had the chance. Seeing Ryan attached to a tangle of IV's, tubes and the respirator took my breath away. As I grabbed his hand, I could feel the effort it took for him to close his grasp. But he did.

His communication right now is limited to thumbs up or down, or shaking or nodding his head because of the respirator. I was absolutely struck with the strength of Ryan's family right now. They fully rely on the Lord in this time, and are still able to joke around with their son. The amount of love they have for Ryan and for the Lord despite the hardships in their lives took my breath away today. Jackie and Clayton if you ever read this... please know how much you touched my life today.  I saw the joy and the peace of the Lord in your eyes. I saw in Ryan determination and such a warrior's spirit. 

God has been giving me the most profound experiences these last few days. Seeing Ryan left such a deep impact on my heart. This evening in church I found the letter I always keep tucked in my Bible. Last Tuesday at Edmonton Young Offenders Centre I received a letter from one of the guys there. One of the last lines reads "God is my homie, and so are you. Know that I will keep praying for you." I have been able to pour into this individual's life a lot in the last few weeks, and I see in him also a warrior spirit. This boy has been through a lot in his life; his dad is an alcoholic and his mom is in rehab. I see in him a warrior who hasn't discovered his potential yet. I pray every day that he will; and that God will just wreck him for the ordinary.

More and more I find life is overwhelming, and God just keeps blowing my mind. Sometimes my heart is raw, and I want to go back to YWAM so badly. But then God comes and speaks to my heart so tangibly that my path is in Canada right now, and all I can do is fall on my knees in worship.

You were near, Though I was distantDisillusioned I was lost and insecure

Still mercy fought, For my attentionYou were waiting at the door, Then I let You in

Trading Your life, For my offensesFor my redemption, You carried all the blame

Breaking the curse, Of our conditionPerfection took our place

When only loveCould make a wayYou gave Your lifeIn a beautiful exchange

My burden erase, my life forgivenThere is nothing, that could take this love away
My only desire, and sole ambitionIs to love You just the same

When only loveCould make a wayYou gave Your lifeIn a beautiful exchange

Evening.

As I get older it seems time goes faster. Freakishly so.

I feel like I just woke up several hours ago, and now it's evening. I went for a walk and watched the sky gradually darken, streaks of purples and pinks against navy.

6 months and 4 days ago, Michelle and I returned home from Mexico. She came to visit me for a week after my DTS ended. The border line in Tijuana was horrible, and we ended up running across the Mexican/American border with all our luggage in tow. Somewhere rattling around the back of my head was the remote fear of getting shot in the back of the head. We were instructed to get into a white car (a YWAMer don't worry) and he would drive us to the airport. Ended up missing our flight anyway, but caught later flights that day.

It's been quite the adventure since returning home to Canada. I still hold my time in YWAM so very close to my heart, and I can't believe it's been 6 months already. I still wake up with memories of my Discipleship Training School bouncing around my brain as if they happened yesterday. Getting lost one of the first days, in the dark. Breaking down in utter pain and releasing years of hurt in the presence of my team. The feeling of finally being barefoot again, walking across the courtyard I have walked for years. Amazing times of worship. Our ridiculous Christmas party. Laughing so hard it hurt. Crying so hard it hurt. Working in the Red Light District every Friday night. Blaring Relient K in the kitchen during work duties. Praying over outreach. The fear/excitement twisting around my stomach the day we left for outreach. Being overwhelmed by all the beautiful black children. Christmas. New Years. Praying for the woman in the Haitian refugee camp who lost her son. Federico passing away. Traveling to Oaxaca. Meeting our amazing family there. Me being in the hospital. Returning to Ensenada. Returning to Canada.

Fast forward to August 27, 2012. Five more days of work, many reunions with old friends, one music festival and one wedding until I officially start Orientation at the University of Alberta in the Faculty of Nursing. I found out the other day they had over 2600 applications and 300 people got accepted. 11.5%. I am in that 11.5%. Another confirmation that I am exactly in the middle of God's will for me. I am going into this school year ready. I am ready to return to University, I am in great shape and content with the work I have done this summer. I started Bikram yoga this summer and took up running again. I  have been digging into the Word and I am so confident in my Father and what He wants me to do with my life.

Bring it Nursing. I'm going in with Abba on my side.

On Life, on Love, on Being a Light.

Honestly since I last blogged life has been such a blur.

Since the end of April, I have switched jobs, quit jobs, gave up my summer to the Lord, and got another job. I have also gotten back involved in Prison Ministry, and I am loving it more and more every week. I've registered for all my courses for Nursing at the University of Alberta in the fall, and I cannot waiiiiiiit for September to come. I'm ready to go back to school.

I have gone camping for my Mom's side of the family reunion, and recently I returned from a week-long trip to Washington to visit Jessie from my DTS. In about t-11 hours I leave with my parents and brother to Vancouver for my Dad's side of the family reunion. My baby sister is in New Zealand currently; she started her Medical DTS about two weeks ago. We skyped for about an hour and a half tonight, and my chest hurts thinking about her. Martha if you read my blog still, I miss you. A lot.

A gift that God has given me is insight. Insight into others lives, insight into when people are hurting. I often carry burdens for people and intercede for them in my heart constantly. Right now the names coming into my head... Darryl. A homeless guy me and a few friends met downtown. Mercedes. One of the little girls from Kid's Rally (a kid's program for low income families). D (name withheld). A guy I met in our prison ministry at EYOC. I think it is fair to say that often we as society run into hurting people and don't really care. Or, we may care for a while and then forget their names. Even as I write an image comes into my mind. A dirty, faded photograph of a crying child. Given to me while I was in the Dominican Republic from a mom who lost her baby. Her estranged husband stole their child and ran back to Haiti with him. Often upon meeting someone and hearing their story, it is very impactful. But how about two months later? How about even two weeks later? We're called to "pray without ceasing" - 1 Thess 5:17. That doesn't mean pray today, and then get distracted tomorrow and stop caring. Without ceasing means without ceasing!

I want my every breath, my every day to be these prayers for these people. I want to be one of those Christians that makes an impact, that people notice. I don't want to be one of those people who says "absolutely I'll pray for you" and then walk away and forget their name. I want to love like Jesus did. I want to be ridiculous for my Savior and be a light. I want to change lives. As I dig more and more into the Word, I understand more who Jesus was, what He did for me, and therefore how I can be that light!!!! It's inspiring to be living it out, even outside the confines of YWAM's walls. I hope through the love God has put in my heart for the hurting, the broken, the left out, can radiate to everyone I meet, every day. Not just Sunday. Not just when I'm inspired.

Every day.

I Don't Know Where the Last Two Months of my Life Have Gone.

Tonight I was struck with the somewhat unsettling realization that I have been home from DTS for two months.

Two months.

As I reflect over the last two months I realize it's been a whirlwind. I don't consider myself a terribly great writer, and I wish there was some way to properly bring life to the convoluted emotions rattling around my head. I remember the first days I was back in Canada, spending time with my family. I remember Christmas in February, giving gifts that have traveled many oceans to finally land at home. I remember the very first night I was home I couldn't sleep because my room was too quiet and my bed was too big. No roommates chattering at all blessed hours of the night, no squeak of the bunk beds.

I remember the first time I drank water out of the tap at home I cried, because drinking 1) COLD water that 2) comes out a RUNNING TAP that is 3) SAFE for consumption are all luxuries many people in this world today will never come to understand. I remember the first time I entered a  mall I just felt sick, seeing everyone rush around tied to deadlines and sales and consumerism and it all just felt so dead to me. I remember in the Edmonton airport seeing French and being sent for a loop because it wasn't Spanish. I remember my first time stepping foot back at the King's University College and seeing so  many familiar faces, and a lot of new ones.

So many re-connections. I remember catching up with my roommates; hearing so many stories from the previous five months. Catching up with so many people, being thrilled to hear some news, and horribly disappointed with other news. So many coffee dates, so many more promised. Missing my DTS family. Writing letters and getting packages from other parts of the world. Getting a job at the Library at King's. That has been a huge blessing financially. I was very much broke when I came home and this job has been a Godsend. Building friendships, renewing old friendships, and looking forward to what is next. Seeking God amidst all the craziness. Seeking Him through the hard times and the good. Praising Him regardless.

My DTS was perfect in the season that God required me to go. My Father built me up into who I am now; that required being broken first. I went to Mexico with the pieces of me clutched tightly in my fists. Abba helped me unclench those fists and drop all those pieces at His feet. And then He started building. Fitting those pieces together just the way He intended them to fit. Even two months later I am trying to figure out exactly what that means. I lived a lifetime in those five months. A lifetime of learning, growing, healing. I made a family in those five months. A family that is spread across the globe, so far yet so close to my heart.

I don't want to change back to who I was. I am a disciple, I am a YWAMer, I am a missionary. I am a dreamer. I want to be in this world but not of it. I will stand proudly for my Lord even if make a fool of myself.


... Shout out to my DTS family. I love you and miss you. So much.

The Last Day.

So since Saturday I've been hanging around the base with Michelle. Today's our last day in Mexico.

It's been weird hanging out here, without my DTS family. It was so hard saying goodbye as they slowly trickled away to the airport. I cried a lot. It seemed like little pieces of my heart were getting ripped out and it was horrible. I believe our staff leaders did a pretty good job of explaining reverse culture shock and how hard it would be... but still. My family is gone. This may very well be the most melancholy blog post.. But I miss my family. I miss the last five months. I'm not sure I'm ready to go home, and to get back into North American culture. Blagh.

I am going to miss Mexico. I miss my family sooo much... especially my outreach team.