Seasons

I have never before appreciated the concept of life seasons more than I do right now.

Having just completed all my first year Nursing exams, I have found myself at a complete and utter loss. After eight months of craziness, I can finally breathe. I've realized how many of my friends I've neglected, being all-consumed and completely focused on my schooling. I've realized how messy I've gotten, how many things got pushed to the wayside in order for me to succeed in school. Now what?! I'm at a loss! I'm currently in a season of transition. If one could objectively look at the state of my heart and emotions, I'm sure they would call me crazy. It seems like just a few weeks ago I walked into my first Orientation class at school, knowing nobody and not knowing what to expect. It seemed like yesterday I went to my first clinical, nervous excitement making me jittery. I still have the program from my grandmother's funeral last month up on the wall. The other day a few close friends went out to celebrate after our last exam and my heart was struck with how grateful I am for them.

Now. Time to rest up! Time to find a job! Time to take a break! Time to enjoy summer! Time to reconnect! Time to read books for the sake of reading books! Time to pour into my relationships! Time to dream with Abba about what the future will hold! Time to finally decompress after a long, stressful year. Time to be with family! Time to enjoy outside! Time to enjoy quality time with loved ones. Time to take care of my heart. Time to go for a run! Time to spend more time with my beautiful Saviour. 

Time to breathe. 

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-11

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, 

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

 What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race.  

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

One Thing Remains.

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains 

Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me 

On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never, ever, have to be afraid
One thing remains

In death, In life, I’m confident and
covered by the power of Your great love
My debt is paid, there’s nothing that can
separate my heart from Your great love...

This song has been running through my head and heart all day. In light of the recent passing away of my grandma, this song reminds me that God's love never leaves me. His love is 'stronger than the power of the grave' which is why I can rejoice in my grandmother's passing... because she is now FREE! She is not suffering. God loves our poor, broken humanity so much to welcome us home to heaven when we leave this earth.

Thanks Jesus for bringing me peace today in the revelation of your love.

On My Knees Again.

Well. It's been so long since I have blogged.

My semester has been insanely busy, and here it is March already. In about five weeks I will be done my first year of nursing! Right now I should be working on a resident profile, cramming for a quiz, and doing other productive things... not happening.

I entitled this post "On My Knees Again" because that is where I am finding myself right now. Now, the point of this post is not to complain about my life, but rather to acknowledge how desperately I need Jesus. I don't know how else to say it... I am so tired. Nursing school has been the best, but most challenging endeavour. Early (and I mean clinical starts at 6:30am so I wake up at 5:00 early) mornings, long nights, too much homework, not enough time. I failed my Pathophysiology midterm this week, but I don't feel that bad about that one because the class average was 52% and I got 49%.

Also, my grandmother passed away yesterday. I am still processing. Lots of tears shed, however I know she is with Jesus now, staring Him straight in the eyes. I know she no longer suffers, I know she has no pain, but it's still sad. I am sad for all the family members who never got to say goodbye. I am comforted by Philippians 1:21: To live is Christ, and to die is gain. I know my Grandma has gained so much and I know she is Home. I know she is free. This brings me great comfort. My heart still aches, but I know she is free.

Honestly, I know I do not have the strength to finish this semester strong without my Love, my Redemption, my Saviour.  Current desire is to curl up in a ball and sleep for a week straight. Now you may be thinking, "Sarah, that's called burnout." And guess what, you may be right. I'm tired! However I'm also stubborn. I've got a Saviour who gives strength to the weak, who gives hope to the hopeless. My sister blessed me today with some very comforting verses from Isaiah 40: 28-31:

Do you not know?

    Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

    the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

    and his understanding no one can fathom.

²⁹ 

He gives strength to the weary

    and increases the power of the weak.

³⁰ 

Even youths grow tired and weary,

    and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ 

but those who hope in the Lord

    will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

    they will run and not grow weary,

    they will walk and not be faint.

WHAT AN ENCOURAGEMENT. When reading these verses, God showed me a picture. It was of me, on my knees before Jesus. Instead of leaving me with eyes downcast, Jesus came and lifted my chin and told me "Keep going, child. Do it for me. Do it for your grandma. I will sustain you."

So. With fresh energy I will finish strong. I will keep running to receive the prize. I will swallow my dislike of mornings, and go to my Long Term Care rotation determined to make my resident's day. Because who knows, they may pass away any day as well. If I am going there with no energy to care for them, they may pass away without knowing they are loved. I never got to say goodbye to my grandma, but maybe I will be able to make someone else's last days memorable and full of love. 

09MAR13. Grandma I'll miss you. Hope you and Jesus are having a grand time being together. Through my tears I celebrate your freedom. 

2013

All of a sudden, it's 2013. The world didn't end, again, and here you are reading my humble little blog, enjoying the first day of this new blessed year.

So. I'm feeling particularly sentimental today. Always seems to happen in the new year, as the reality of another year passed catches up with me.

I started out 2012 in the Dominican Republic, on my DTS outreach. YWAM Ensenada, Denver, and San Pedro celebrated together and praised the Lord for a new year. On January 1, we had the day off from usual ministries, and many people headed for the beach. It poured rain, I recall. It was like having a shower in +35 degree weather.

January 13 of 2012 I lost a friend. Yesterday I re-certified my first aid; and was struck with the memory of performing CPR with Cory, desperately trying to save Federico. I remember the doctor coming and shoving us out of the way. "Él murió! Él es muerte!" he yelled at us. Yesterday those memories resurfaced, as clear as if it were yesterday. I remember his family coming to the base, wailing and crying out to Jesus. I sat off to the side, still bikini-clad from the beach earlier, Federico's vomit still on my shorts. Stunned. While I am sad at these recollections, I praise the Lord for Federico's beautiful life. The impact he had on his community, teaching music lessons and showing everyone the love and the joy of the Lord. His death has fueled me to show people Jesus in the same way that he did.

February 2012 I graduated from my DTS, and spent a lovely week showing my best friend Michelle the city of Ensenada. A place I have grown to love dearly and miss nearly every day. God blessed that time so richly. At the end of February both of us returned to Canada, Michelle to return to school and me having no idea what tomorrow would bring. God was completely faithful though, and I quickly found a job, with the plans to return to school in September, although not at Kings; I got accepted into the Faculty of Nursing at the University of Alberta.

In July I took a trip to Washington to visit my dear DTS sister Jessie. We had such a blast :) Way too much fun was had that week, including a trip into Seattle to see McKenna, Pike Place Market and of course the first Starbucks. Jessie is such a refreshment to my soul, her faith is ridiculous and her perspective on life is so joy-filled!

September was the start of a new era, nursing school. It's been challenging and stressful, but at the same time SO perfect. What a dichotomy. I know I am exactly where God wants me to be! Despite the nights of 4 hours of sleep, despite nearly failing a final exam (first time I've ever said that!) God is SO RIDICULOUSLY GOOD.

In November, I started dating Jeremiah. If you haven't met him, let me know and we'll visit :) Yep. God is so good to me, I am so deeply blessed, and so looking forward to this new year. God has revealed so much of His heart for me in the last year and particularly in the last two months. I cannot wait what this year holds, where God will lead me, and how I can show Him off to everyone I know.

So. Blessings to you, dear reader, in this new year. Seek God first, make new discoveries about Him, allow Him to lead you and it will be a year to remember.

Silence.

Listen.

Why is this concept so unnerving? What is it about quiet that makes so many people uncomfortable? Our lives are constantly bombarded by noise. Everywhere. All the time. If not auditory noise, we are bombarded with advertisements, people, schedules, deadlines. Every two seconds you hear someone's smart phone going off; a reminder for something. New text. New email.

Maybe that's why I enjoy evening so much. It's quiet. Old, familiar tunes don't overpower the quiet right now but rather enhance it. An overly large mug of tea warms my chilled fingers. Psalms 46:10 says,

"Be Still and know that I am God."
Be Still and know that I am.
Be still and know.
Be still. 
Be.

What this speaks to me is that the very essence of our being should just simply be; understanding that Abba is our Father. That amidst the chaos of our lives God is still God. He will never change, He will never give up on us, He will never stop loving us. I believe God longs for each one of us to know this. Despite 3 a.m. bedtimes due to late night cramming, despite our ridiculously crazy lives, despite things happening that are beyond our control, Abba is still our Father and He loves us.

This deep understanding, I relate to silence.
Silence is always there. So is God. Silence never changes. Neither does Abba. Sometimes you just need to close the textbook, put away the computer/iPod/phone and wait, to finally hear the silence again. The same is true with our Father. Sometimes you have to deliberately stop being so busy and wait for Him. He longs to communicate with us, he speaks to us often but we just don't listen.

It's easy to let worry obscure this silence. How many times have I been too stressed to even acknowledge what Abba was speaking to my heart? I used to think in times of stress that my Daddy wasn't speaking to me. How wrong I was. He speaks to us constantly. Philippians 4: 6-7 says, "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, in prayer and supplication, let your requests be known to God. And the peace of Christ, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Do not be anxious. Be still. Be. And God's peace will blow you away through His Spirit.

Being still can be hard. It can feel so uncomfortable at first. John 15:7 says, "If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you want of me and it will be done for you." Abiding doesn't mean finding Christ for a couple minutes here, an hour or two on Sunday. It means constantly. It means seeking out that silence deliberately. Because guess what. The verses preceding this one say "I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned." Don't know about you, but I feel that's pretty harsh. If you don't abide in Christ, you'll wither up and die, and get thrown into a fire. You won't be thriving. You'll be useless and dead, just like a dried up vine.

So. The next time you get overwhelmed with school, the next time painful memories threaten to overtake you, the next time you feel like you just can't handle it all, be still and know. And let Abba take you from there.  I won't promise it'll make all the above issues go away, but I do promise if you go in with Abba by your side and the full knowledge of Him resting in your heart, you'll get through. Let God lead you.

Wake up, all you sleepers. Stand up, all you dreamers.

Africa interview was this morning. Technically, African interiews. Six of them. I feel like they all went really well. And now the waiting game begins again. In about a week I will find out if I made it to the next level of interviews. Ah.

As I write this, I'm tucked away in a corner at the U of A. I have been practically living on campus this weekend, studying for my NURS 190 final. Cursed six-week class finals have snuck up on me and have taken away the last shroud of sanity within my being. It's 6:00 pm, I've been here since 10:00 am, save for the lunch break I had with my dear friend Kiri. She is a fellow nurse friend, and also interviewed for Africa this morning. I am thoroughly blessed by her! Hopefully, we'll be conquering Tanzania together come the beginning of May.

God revealed a piece of His heart to me today. I was just thinking about the capacity of the human mind. We love to be in control. We love to have parameters around our lives. We love to get comfortable, and say "this is what my life will be like, and I'll figure it out. Sweet." However when we do this, we limit where God could take us and what His dreams are for our lives. We just have our little perspective and that's it. However when we dream with Abba, I'm sure He has to laugh at the parameters we place on our lives, because they are so small. When we align our hearts with our Fathers, it changes everything. We stop dreaming our dreams and start dreaming His. We stop chasing our interests and start pursuing His. We stop worrying about our expectations (for me, that means I stop worrying about school and what I expect of myself) and start understanding the bigger picture Abba has painted for us. He's painted a masterpiece for each of our lives, yet oftentimes we are too busy/stressed/worried/tired/apathetic/burned out to notice the colours. We get too caught up in that black smudge right in front of us to notice that it is one small piece of a much bigger picture.  HOW CRAZY IS THAT!! 

Dreaming of Africa.

I made a deal with God. I told him my summer was His, and all He had to do was show me. That being said, I think I'm going to Africa! Tanzania, to be exact.

There was a "Go Abroad" Fair at the U of A the other day, and I had a few hours to kill before classes. I went and took a look around, but nothing really caught my eye so I turned around. As I had my hand on the door handle to head out, God told me to turn around. I was confused, because I thought I had seen everything to see. I was wrong! I ended up turning down a hallway and talking to the people at the Student's International Health Organization (SIHA) table for a good half and hour, asking questions about the Tanzania trip. The day after, I had an informal get together with the leader of the trip to ask more questions and get more information. Today, I printed out the official application and am just about done it.

So if it pans out, if God wants me in Tanzania, I'll be going May 1 - July 12, to make it back just in time for one of my dearest friend's wedding! The focus of the trip is public health. The way it got explained to me was this: "So basically you get dropped off in the middle of f--king nowhere, assess the greatest health need in each village, and you fill it. No structure at all" Sweet.

One of the girls in my seminar/lab groups in nursing is super interested in coming as well! We've gotten  to be good friends, and spending a summer with her would be SUCH A BLAST! If this trip pans out, it will look so very different from any other trip I have been on. All my traveling has been with a group of Christians. This one will not be so. Group dynamics will be so different. No times of worship with my team. No corporate prayer. But, as I was reflecting on this earlier, I got to thinking that much of life is that way. I was so blessed by my YWAM family, especially my outreach family. However, in life you don't always have that YWAM family at your disposal. There will not always be people willing to pray with you on a rough day. This may be the greatest 10 week challenge of my faith I'll ever see.

Prayers for God's guidance, and clarity on whether to do this trip or not appreciated :)
Also, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Wanderlust.

Hmmm.

It's been a Bon-Iver, stay-home-in-sweats, watch-the-leaves-change, chai-tea-and-stroopwaffels kind of day. I'm fighting off sickness and haven't really moved too far today.

Today is the one year anniversary of the start of my Discipleship Training School in Ensenada, Mexico. Last night I was just overwhelmed with gratefulness and had an amazing worship session, just me and Jesus. I was just floored by how much has changed in a year, how tangibly Jesus changed my life. 

A year ago I was angry, I was vulnerable, I was hurting. I flew to Mexico with all the pieces of my shattered past clutched tightly in my fists. So tightly I had scars. The first thing my Jesus did was help me unfurl those fists. He gently pried my fingers open, ever so carefully pulled out the shards stuck in my hands. He showed me to lay my burdens at His feet. He lifted my downcast face to meet His eyes. I stared my Jesus right in the eyes, maybe truly for the first time in my life. I met him. I experienced him. Through the help of my staff and my fellow DTS students, I was able to truly experience the love and adoration my Jesus has had for me, my whole life.

In the dirty, shadowed streets of Bajio (red light district in Ensenada), I experienced Abba's love without condition. He loves every prostitute in that area. He loves every dealer trying to catch your eye. He loves every man who has laid a punch on his wife. He loves every dirty, homeless person passed out on the sidewalk. His love is never defined by our circumstances or our choices. His heart breaks for every horrible situation, knowing some of his kids are so chemically altered they don't know daytime from nighttime, BUT his love never stops. It doesn't change the moment the needle hits skin, it doesn't change ever. That was hard for me to grasp at times. Seeing men walk out of brothels. I got angry. I hated them for what they did. Seeing prostitutes waiting outside the "hotels," trying to hold their head up high. My heart shattered for them. 

Living in the ghetto streets of the Dominican Republic, the sound of gunshots a regular occurrence, I experienced the love of Jesus through heartbreak. I remember one day we were playing with a bunch of street kids in Bienvenidos. Lots of them have parents, but they are either drug addicts, alcoholics, chronically absent in these kid's lives, or abusive. I remember sitting off to the side with a little boy curled up in my lap, and suddenly my views of these kids changed. Jesus said to me "how you feel right now is how I feel about these kids" and I was so overwhelmed with heartbreak. My chest hurt. I couldn't breathe. In that moment Jesus showed me that being passive about the injustices in the world is just not an option. We need to be praying for issues around the world, not just tucking ourselves away in our own little corner of the world and sticking our head in the sand. As North Americans we are so ridiculously blessed, we don't even know it. God opened my eyes to that in the Dominican Republic. Injustice happens EVERYWHERE and ignoring it is like... ignoring the heart of God. In Edmonton alone, there is homelessness, trafficking, drug abuse, homelessness. How can that be ignored? 

Anyways. I have posed a challenge for myself. For the next five months, my challenge is to read over my notes from my DTS day by day. I never want to forget what I have learned. As I go through my old journals, I'll be sure to post some words of wisdom here on my blog. 

I entitled this post "wanderlust" because I just want to travel! Well that sounds selfish. I made a deal with God that I will go where he sends me next summer. Whether that means staying here in Edmonton and getting involved with a ministry here, or hopping on a plane... My summer is God's. And I am so excited to dream about where that may be, and what that might involve. 

So that's all :)

If you get bored... do this.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/4Dv5gl/:utejpJwA:WIo27cam/www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJ9yn8vLdig/

Sarah Stad: Faculty of Nursing Undergraduate Studies.

Well, it's official.

I'm a nursing student! After completing my first full week of Nursing at the University of Alberta, I am already displaying classic symptoms of any undergrad nurse. Dark circles under eyes. Re-aquaintance with coffee, namely every single Starbucks, Second Cup or Tim Hortons between ECHA and CCIS, my buildings. Back pain from toting around 20 pounds of nursing textbooks.

That being said.... I. LOVE. IT. I am completely embracing being thrown out of my comfort zone. My logic is.. I'm a YWAMer. ...What is a comfort zone again? YWAM sent me so far removed from anything I could possibly call comfort. So, a new university is a piece of cake in comparison. At the U of A there are maps. On NIKO (Mexican wilderness week) we got sent out with horribly vague directions and stumbled around the Mexican mountains, in the dark. U of A? Piece of cake. Compared to where I have been, the experiences I have lived, nursing school does not strike fear in my heart.

Sure it's hard to stay awake in an 8 am lecture, after awakening at 6 in the morning. However, I think perspectives change everything. Today I caught myself whining about 8 am lectures (if you know me, you know I hate mornings...) however I was struck with a revelation. I have NO RIGHT to complain about 8 am lectures. I have 1) the resources to attend university in the first place. 2) Learning facilities that are brand flippin new. If you've seen the Edmonton Clinic Health Academy, it's gorgeous. Absolutely beautiful. 3) An excellent faculty and 4) The opportunity learn skills millions of people will neither be able to learn themselves, or see in practice.

So that's that. Life is a whirlwind, studying nursing and going to Prison Ministry are going to consume my life for the next four years, and God continues to blow my mind.

Warriors, ICU's and Letters from Prison

This afternoon I spent a couple hours visiting my neighbors from Lacombe in the Stollery Children's Hospital ICU. 

Their son Ryan has been sick his whole life, and close to death many times in his 18 years. Every time he's been really sick I have been meaning to go visit them; today I finally had the chance. Seeing Ryan attached to a tangle of IV's, tubes and the respirator took my breath away. As I grabbed his hand, I could feel the effort it took for him to close his grasp. But he did.

His communication right now is limited to thumbs up or down, or shaking or nodding his head because of the respirator. I was absolutely struck with the strength of Ryan's family right now. They fully rely on the Lord in this time, and are still able to joke around with their son. The amount of love they have for Ryan and for the Lord despite the hardships in their lives took my breath away today. Jackie and Clayton if you ever read this... please know how much you touched my life today.  I saw the joy and the peace of the Lord in your eyes. I saw in Ryan determination and such a warrior's spirit. 

God has been giving me the most profound experiences these last few days. Seeing Ryan left such a deep impact on my heart. This evening in church I found the letter I always keep tucked in my Bible. Last Tuesday at Edmonton Young Offenders Centre I received a letter from one of the guys there. One of the last lines reads "God is my homie, and so are you. Know that I will keep praying for you." I have been able to pour into this individual's life a lot in the last few weeks, and I see in him also a warrior spirit. This boy has been through a lot in his life; his dad is an alcoholic and his mom is in rehab. I see in him a warrior who hasn't discovered his potential yet. I pray every day that he will; and that God will just wreck him for the ordinary.

More and more I find life is overwhelming, and God just keeps blowing my mind. Sometimes my heart is raw, and I want to go back to YWAM so badly. But then God comes and speaks to my heart so tangibly that my path is in Canada right now, and all I can do is fall on my knees in worship.

You were near, Though I was distantDisillusioned I was lost and insecure

Still mercy fought, For my attentionYou were waiting at the door, Then I let You in

Trading Your life, For my offensesFor my redemption, You carried all the blame

Breaking the curse, Of our conditionPerfection took our place

When only loveCould make a wayYou gave Your lifeIn a beautiful exchange

My burden erase, my life forgivenThere is nothing, that could take this love away
My only desire, and sole ambitionIs to love You just the same

When only loveCould make a wayYou gave Your lifeIn a beautiful exchange

Evening.

As I get older it seems time goes faster. Freakishly so.

I feel like I just woke up several hours ago, and now it's evening. I went for a walk and watched the sky gradually darken, streaks of purples and pinks against navy.

6 months and 4 days ago, Michelle and I returned home from Mexico. She came to visit me for a week after my DTS ended. The border line in Tijuana was horrible, and we ended up running across the Mexican/American border with all our luggage in tow. Somewhere rattling around the back of my head was the remote fear of getting shot in the back of the head. We were instructed to get into a white car (a YWAMer don't worry) and he would drive us to the airport. Ended up missing our flight anyway, but caught later flights that day.

It's been quite the adventure since returning home to Canada. I still hold my time in YWAM so very close to my heart, and I can't believe it's been 6 months already. I still wake up with memories of my Discipleship Training School bouncing around my brain as if they happened yesterday. Getting lost one of the first days, in the dark. Breaking down in utter pain and releasing years of hurt in the presence of my team. The feeling of finally being barefoot again, walking across the courtyard I have walked for years. Amazing times of worship. Our ridiculous Christmas party. Laughing so hard it hurt. Crying so hard it hurt. Working in the Red Light District every Friday night. Blaring Relient K in the kitchen during work duties. Praying over outreach. The fear/excitement twisting around my stomach the day we left for outreach. Being overwhelmed by all the beautiful black children. Christmas. New Years. Praying for the woman in the Haitian refugee camp who lost her son. Federico passing away. Traveling to Oaxaca. Meeting our amazing family there. Me being in the hospital. Returning to Ensenada. Returning to Canada.

Fast forward to August 27, 2012. Five more days of work, many reunions with old friends, one music festival and one wedding until I officially start Orientation at the University of Alberta in the Faculty of Nursing. I found out the other day they had over 2600 applications and 300 people got accepted. 11.5%. I am in that 11.5%. Another confirmation that I am exactly in the middle of God's will for me. I am going into this school year ready. I am ready to return to University, I am in great shape and content with the work I have done this summer. I started Bikram yoga this summer and took up running again. I  have been digging into the Word and I am so confident in my Father and what He wants me to do with my life.

Bring it Nursing. I'm going in with Abba on my side.

On Life, on Love, on Being a Light.

Honestly since I last blogged life has been such a blur.

Since the end of April, I have switched jobs, quit jobs, gave up my summer to the Lord, and got another job. I have also gotten back involved in Prison Ministry, and I am loving it more and more every week. I've registered for all my courses for Nursing at the University of Alberta in the fall, and I cannot waiiiiiiit for September to come. I'm ready to go back to school.

I have gone camping for my Mom's side of the family reunion, and recently I returned from a week-long trip to Washington to visit Jessie from my DTS. In about t-11 hours I leave with my parents and brother to Vancouver for my Dad's side of the family reunion. My baby sister is in New Zealand currently; she started her Medical DTS about two weeks ago. We skyped for about an hour and a half tonight, and my chest hurts thinking about her. Martha if you read my blog still, I miss you. A lot.

A gift that God has given me is insight. Insight into others lives, insight into when people are hurting. I often carry burdens for people and intercede for them in my heart constantly. Right now the names coming into my head... Darryl. A homeless guy me and a few friends met downtown. Mercedes. One of the little girls from Kid's Rally (a kid's program for low income families). D (name withheld). A guy I met in our prison ministry at EYOC. I think it is fair to say that often we as society run into hurting people and don't really care. Or, we may care for a while and then forget their names. Even as I write an image comes into my mind. A dirty, faded photograph of a crying child. Given to me while I was in the Dominican Republic from a mom who lost her baby. Her estranged husband stole their child and ran back to Haiti with him. Often upon meeting someone and hearing their story, it is very impactful. But how about two months later? How about even two weeks later? We're called to "pray without ceasing" - 1 Thess 5:17. That doesn't mean pray today, and then get distracted tomorrow and stop caring. Without ceasing means without ceasing!

I want my every breath, my every day to be these prayers for these people. I want to be one of those Christians that makes an impact, that people notice. I don't want to be one of those people who says "absolutely I'll pray for you" and then walk away and forget their name. I want to love like Jesus did. I want to be ridiculous for my Savior and be a light. I want to change lives. As I dig more and more into the Word, I understand more who Jesus was, what He did for me, and therefore how I can be that light!!!! It's inspiring to be living it out, even outside the confines of YWAM's walls. I hope through the love God has put in my heart for the hurting, the broken, the left out, can radiate to everyone I meet, every day. Not just Sunday. Not just when I'm inspired.

Every day.

I Don't Know Where the Last Two Months of my Life Have Gone.

Tonight I was struck with the somewhat unsettling realization that I have been home from DTS for two months.

Two months.

As I reflect over the last two months I realize it's been a whirlwind. I don't consider myself a terribly great writer, and I wish there was some way to properly bring life to the convoluted emotions rattling around my head. I remember the first days I was back in Canada, spending time with my family. I remember Christmas in February, giving gifts that have traveled many oceans to finally land at home. I remember the very first night I was home I couldn't sleep because my room was too quiet and my bed was too big. No roommates chattering at all blessed hours of the night, no squeak of the bunk beds.

I remember the first time I drank water out of the tap at home I cried, because drinking 1) COLD water that 2) comes out a RUNNING TAP that is 3) SAFE for consumption are all luxuries many people in this world today will never come to understand. I remember the first time I entered a  mall I just felt sick, seeing everyone rush around tied to deadlines and sales and consumerism and it all just felt so dead to me. I remember in the Edmonton airport seeing French and being sent for a loop because it wasn't Spanish. I remember my first time stepping foot back at the King's University College and seeing so  many familiar faces, and a lot of new ones.

So many re-connections. I remember catching up with my roommates; hearing so many stories from the previous five months. Catching up with so many people, being thrilled to hear some news, and horribly disappointed with other news. So many coffee dates, so many more promised. Missing my DTS family. Writing letters and getting packages from other parts of the world. Getting a job at the Library at King's. That has been a huge blessing financially. I was very much broke when I came home and this job has been a Godsend. Building friendships, renewing old friendships, and looking forward to what is next. Seeking God amidst all the craziness. Seeking Him through the hard times and the good. Praising Him regardless.

My DTS was perfect in the season that God required me to go. My Father built me up into who I am now; that required being broken first. I went to Mexico with the pieces of me clutched tightly in my fists. Abba helped me unclench those fists and drop all those pieces at His feet. And then He started building. Fitting those pieces together just the way He intended them to fit. Even two months later I am trying to figure out exactly what that means. I lived a lifetime in those five months. A lifetime of learning, growing, healing. I made a family in those five months. A family that is spread across the globe, so far yet so close to my heart.

I don't want to change back to who I was. I am a disciple, I am a YWAMer, I am a missionary. I am a dreamer. I want to be in this world but not of it. I will stand proudly for my Lord even if make a fool of myself.


... Shout out to my DTS family. I love you and miss you. So much.

The Last Day.

So since Saturday I've been hanging around the base with Michelle. Today's our last day in Mexico.

It's been weird hanging out here, without my DTS family. It was so hard saying goodbye as they slowly trickled away to the airport. I cried a lot. It seemed like little pieces of my heart were getting ripped out and it was horrible. I believe our staff leaders did a pretty good job of explaining reverse culture shock and how hard it would be... but still. My family is gone. This may very well be the most melancholy blog post.. But I miss my family. I miss the last five months. I'm not sure I'm ready to go home, and to get back into North American culture. Blagh.

I am going to miss Mexico. I miss my family sooo much... especially my outreach team.

Post-Graduation.

We are done.

Saturday, February 11, we left Oaxaca and flew into Los Angeles. On the drive back down to Ensenada, I fell silent and blocked out the excited chatter of my teammates. As I stared off into the ocean, I realized I had no words to aptly explain the wave of emotions I was feeling. Part of me was overwhelmingly happy to be finished outreach, and I was elated at the accomplishment I felt. Two months. Two months of mostly cold showers, oppressing spiritual warfare, pouring out into others, tears, more tears, joy, exhaustion, peace, bringing people to the Lord, pouring into relationships.

The other part of my heart was so crushingly sad that I cried. As people were chattering in the background, I realized how each member of Team Chewbacca has become my family. Klaus, Tony, Cory, Colton, Steph, Kiley, Jessie, Ester, Gaby, Ellie, Peta and Rheanne have really become my second family. I cried as I realized... being done means saying goodbye. I never realized it was possible to take a group of twelve strangers from seven countries... and call them family after two months of doing life together.

As a family Team Chewbacca has been through a lot. I think for everyone the Dominican Republic was difficult because the spiritual warfare was so tangible. We had several occasions when we woke up in the middle of the night and prayed together. Times where we all felt so dry that we just sat in a room and prayed for each other.. for hours. We were all devastated when Federico died. Everyone was worried when Cory got sick and couldn't fly to Oaxaca right away. I wasn't there, but I heard stories that everyone pulled together to put out the massive fire. Everyone prayed for me when I was in the hospital. As a family we saw the mountaintop, and we crashed in the valley. We saw little children in the Dominican with huge, open, gaping wounds because a witch cursed them. We pulled together as a team in the tough times, and enjoyed each other's company on our few days off. We collectively drank way too much coffee and got not enough sleep.

This chapter of my life is done. This season is coming to a close. Thursday night was our graduation and it was horribly bittersweet. Such a sense of accomplishment, such a season of growth, finished. Since then people have been trickling off to the airport and saying goodbye has been nothing short of horrendous. I surprised myself at how attached I am to my DTS family. Saying goodbye has left the biggest ache in my chest. Even writing this brings such a raw emotion. Jessie and Ester especially. You girls know that you're closer to me than I can even express. Not seeing you every day, not falling asleep to you ten feet away, not laughing with you, has made me so horribly sad. I've heard the term "post DTS depression" and laughed it off, thinking that was cute, but I now know whoever coined that phrase was not joking.

I'm currently sitting in the YWAM San Diego office. Two more of my family members are leaving this afternoon; tonight I'm picking up Michelle and we're going to hang out in Ensenada for a week. So ridiculously happy to see her, so unbelievably sad DTS is over. So glad for this season of growth and renewal in Christ.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

LAST WEEK!!

HEY ALL!

This is our last week of outreach!!!! On Saturday we will be back in Ensenada!! (Not that I'm excited or anything.)

Anyways. My last week of outreach is looking a lot different than the rest of my team's. Because of the situation with my back, I was not able to go with my team to the village for this week. Also doing any kind of physical labour is completely out  of the question for me right now. So. I am hanging out on the base, which is Esau and Ale's house. At first I was super opposed to the idea of being here while my team is gone. The first night, I moved from the girl's house down the road to the guy's room, which is on the base property. I was still awake at 6 am - it was too quiet!! I have been used to living in community and having a houseful of roommates, and my first night of silence in five months sent me for a loop.

However. Being on the base has been really awesome. I think I needed this time, because before this I was running on fumes and not sure I'd make it to the end without burning out. I'm calling this week my "pre-debrief debrief week." Next week in Ensenada is our debrief week, but I guess I kind of get two. My staff gave me a list of things to do - a few teachings to listen to, team blogging, slideshow, intercession etc. So it's been really nice. I didn't know how much I missed quiet time until I got it back this week!! I am definitely missing my team, but the quiet has been more welcome than I had imagined. Since I have to take it easy for my back anyways, it's nice to have a bit of my own schedule this week. I've also spent a lot of time with the family that lives here, and they are great. Ale is studying to be a nurse too! She speaks English, so her and I talk about nursing a lot. Today I helped Hannah (their daughter) sort clothes for a thrift store for an hour and a half.

YWAM teaches you to be flexible - I definitely appreciate that, especially this week. It hasn't gone at all how I've expected it to, but then again I never expected I'd be in a Mexican hospital having as many troubles with my back as I have. I've had time to catch up with a lot of people from back home, tons of time to pray, tons of time to just be with my Father.

Please continue to pray for my back, and for restoration. I'm still in a lot of pain and am waiting for the day I get back to Canada so I can start physiotherapy, go to my chiropractor again and go to massage therapy.

Also, yesterday was Bob Marley's birthday. One love.

Mexican Hospital Adventures.

Hey all.

So this week I experienced my first adventure in a Mexican hospital. It included...

• mystery drinks
• eating cactus
• flooding the bathroom while taking a shower... the drain didn't work.
• attempting to get dressed again after said shower... It's hard, when you're attached to an IV.
• realizing how minimal my Spanish is when it comes to medical terms.

Basically I've had back problems this whole outreach, and for the last week I've been in a ton of pain. Tuesday night I got the most severe migrane I've ever had in my life and my whole back spasmed so they took me to a really nice hospital in Oaxaca. I was there Tuesday night until Thursday afternoon, just getting drugged up and doing some x rays. Now I'm back on the base, migrane is nearly gone, but my back is still in rough shape. If you could pray for me that would be awesome!! We literally have 8 days of outreach left and I'm not sure what I will be able to do. The next 3 days I'm ordered on bed rest, and we'll see from there.

Kind of getting lonely. The last week I have not been going out with my team to do ministry, and it looks like that may be the next week too. I thankfully have lots of reading material and lots of time to pray and hang out with Jesus!!!

Thanks for checking in with my blog, feel free to shoot me an email or Facebook message - I'd love to hear from you!

pray.

Hey all!

So. I have a prayer request! Some of you know I have a pretty bad back. I've had back problems for about 4 years now. Right now I'm hurtin'. I have rotated spinal discs and that's forcing two of my ribs out of place. Very painful. Very difficult to deal with in the south of Mexico where chiropractors are pretty sketchy. Today I'm headed to a back specialist, I guess we'll see how this all goes down. If you could pray for wisdom for this doctor, that would be grand!!

Thanks team! I love you!

Home Stretch?

HEY ALL!

So yesterday we had our first free day in about two weeks. It was fabulous. We got to go see some Zapotec ruins and then spent the rest of the afternoon in the downtown market. The ruins were AMAZING!! I'll put pictures up on Facebook at some point. SO COOL!

Spending the afternoon at the market was so fun! The only downside was majorly feeling like a tourist. I hate that feeling. Everyone wanted us to buy their stuff and by the end of it I got somewhat frustrated. I life in Mexico, and I haaaaaate feeling like a tourist. Worst feeling ever.

Today is a long day. From 8 am to 3 pm we are building a roof, and tonight we're doing ministry at a hospital. It's currently 6:40 am. We're leaving for the build site at 7:30. We finish at the hospital tonight at 8 pm. Long day.

Thanks for the continued prayers and support. Love you all. See you soonish.

THREE WEEKS

Threeeeeeeeeeeee weeks until we are back in Ensenada!!!!

I am so excited. Three weeks to bless people, and three weeks to be shaped by my Father. I can't wait to be back in Ensenada as well.

Please pray that we finish strong. Everyone is gettin' tired, but I know that God is bigger than that.